In Chicago, Eric Taylor, 43, stays home to care for his two-year-old. Even so, he sometimes finds himself battling the messaging he was brought up with: "I just feel like I should be the breadwinner, and I should go out and work. He says his wife tends to have "more of that drive to go out and work". For his family, this division of labour makes sense. Despite battling the same challenges as any stay-at-home parent – he particularly remembers an early period of "burnout" from trying to stay on top of home-cooked meals, keeping the house clean, clothes laundered and children cared for – he "loved it", he says.Īlthough Bouwhuis is back at paid work again now, he’s still the primary caregiver at least one or two days a week. In 2021, as winter approached, he and his wife decided he would stay home for a few months to watch their then-six-month-old and two-year-old. "I just didn't think I'd get a positive response" by telling the truth, he says.īouwhuis works seasonally, building decks. When he was asked what he wanted to do as an adult, he'd say he wasn't sure. The traditional model he'd been raised with in his community – he is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints – normally emphasised that fathers should provide for their families, while mothers should look after the home. "It's always been a dream of mine to be a stay-at-home dad."īut growing up, he never felt comfortable sharing that with anyone, he says. I was just so excited, always, to be a dad," says Spencer Bouwhuis, 25, in Utah, US. "In high school, I never pictured myself going to college and having some fancy career. This cultural belief that fathers should 'protect and provide' can plant an insidious narrative in the heads of stay-at-home dads, even those who feel that they're best suited to contributing to their families in their role as the primary caregiver. "It also persists in our social policy frameworks, even though there's been lots of change – our reference point is still that family of four with a male breadwinner." Maternity leave, for example, remains far more generous in most countries than paternity leave. Think about the advertisements on television or in the newspaper that reinforce the nuclear family of four," he says. In countries like the US and Australia, the ideal father is expected to be more engaged in his children's day-to-day lives than in the past, says Brendan Churchill, a senior lecturer in sociology at Australia's University of Melbourne, who researches fatherhood.Įven so, "the male breadwinner model lingers. 'I feel like sometimes I'm being watched' Even in cultures where fathers are expected to be more involved than in the past, they are still expected to be the breadwinners of the family and are frequently stereotyped as less nurturing or domestically adept than mothers.Īll of this means that, for fathers like Lange, staying at home with the kids can feel unusual and ostracising – even if they wouldn't want it any other way. That relative rarity means that men who make this choice can feel like the odd ones out – and sometimes are judged harshly. In the EU, it's even rarer: about one in 100 men pause their careers for at least six months for childcare, compared to one in three women. (It's worth noting that this includes people who are unemployed but may be seeking work, so it's an imperfect estimate). Of US families with opposite-sex, married parents, 5.6% have working mothers and non-working fathers, compared to the 28.6% with working fathers and non-working mothers. In the US, for example, the number nearly doubled from 1989 to 2012. Stay-at-home dads like Lange are becoming more common. That self-consciousness persists despite knowing just how beneficial his set-up has been: he's forged a closer relationship with his teenaged son he's been around to help with his new grandchild and the arrangement has enabled his wife to pursue a master's degree. "I find myself feeling like I need to explain to you that I'm not just folding laundry and cooking dinner and going grocery shopping. "But I don't think I would ever tell anybody that, or introduce myself that way," he adds. "I'm a stay-at-home dad," says the Ohio, US-based 52-year-old, who worked in branding and product development for 30 years before he began staying home with his children in 2020. What he's less likely to say is what he actually feels is most accurate. Or that he's semi-retired, though he might go back to work full-time once his youngest child graduates high school next year. Ask Steven Lange what he does, and he'll tell you he's involved in start-ups.
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